things that bother me?

i’m walking down the street, identical to yesterday, with a coffee in my hand, a dog attached to my hip, about to smoke a joint and I can’t think of anything that is more “my life“.

It’s funny because recently I have been not wanting to write or not known what to write about and now I’m laughing because I’m writing simply by speaking. Life has been weird, and I’m sure you know that right now. I’ve been struggling recently with what I’m doing right now, or what it seems like I’m doing, and I can’t quite seem to explain it right to anyone. In my life it’s pretty straightforward: 

  • wake up any time the sun is shining 
  • sit for about 3 hours 
  • move to a new room in the house 
  • sit some more 
  • be ridiculously obsessed with my phone 

do you wanna know some thing that I hate? Standards. The standard that I need to wake up at an early hour every day and do my work all throughout the day and do it all again the next day. the standard that the days are for being productive and the nights are for rest. the standard that I should be doing the exact same thing that everybody else is doing, all the time. why do things like this even exist? I’ve been having a lot of issues with the way the world works lately and protesting them makes me feel good.

i’m not too sure why it’s always while I’m walking that I get the best ideas of what to write, how to write it, and everything else that involves writing. It’s unfortunate because walking is probably one of the most difficult times to write, in my opinion. especially when you like to hand write. If you don’t have a desk that rolls in front of you or a scribe that frantically runs behind you, writing while doing nearly anything is pretty much impossible.

I love that I have a blog. But I hate that I don’t know what to blog about, ever. I always have the best ideas in a certain moment and then as soon as I sit myself down to write them, these ideas go away. It’s really frustrating – maybe the first of what will be a lifetime to come of writers block.

I am still working from home. That may be surprising to some of you who have resumed back to life as normal, but for me I’m still essentially under house arrest. I don’t leave the house, I don’t see anyone, I don’t interact with anyone, and I barely even logon to zoom. It’s just my dog and I 24/7. which is great, don’t get me wrong… I think I’ve really turned into an introvert lately and now introverted me loves being alone but, it’s a little weird to see everyone else in life while I’m not in life.

working from home does have its positives, but it also has its negatives. Maybe I’ll write about that further someday when I have the actual ideas too.

i’m in fourth year now, which is exciting to some and terrifying to others. Put yourself in my shoes and how do you feel? I kind of feel like a piece of shit on a log. it’s terrifying and scary and crazy and just weird if you ask me. I don’t really remember the transition from infancy to adulthood, and imo it’s gone by way too quickly – so if I could just rewind a little bit and go back to maybe 10-year-old me and try again, maybe I’d feel a little differently right now. I thought that being in fourth-year would be this glorious feeling where nothing in the world can touch you. You should feel unstoppable, I thought. But, that’s not the case.

I guess I forgot that fourth year would be as challenging if not more challenging than grade 12 of high school. At that point in time I had to get all of my ducks in a row and decide where I was going to put myself for the next four years. I figured that would be the last time I’ve ever have to do that in my life. Why do you need to plan 4 years in advance, ever? OK I understand when you might have to do that sometimes but, I still think it’s a dumb requirement. So here I am again basically in the equivalent of adult grade 12 and I have no ducks, I don’t even know what a row is. Please don’t ask me the question of what do I want to do with my life because I will tell you, “Swim“

another thing that’s been bugging me lately it’s time. I feel like time is always on my back. And not in a good way, not in the way that time like helps you and makes you feel conscious of things. No, God now. For me time is nagging and looming and impending. It’s annoying really is what it is. I honestly can’t do anything right now without feeling like time is running out… almost, that’s scary to think – no more that. So yeah time has been weird. If anyone has any suggestions on how to be less bothered by time, please send help my way.

I think that’s probably enough for one day. Wow, I think I did good today. Good therapy session, blog. Thanks for being here.

be back soon enough, x; a

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