you got this

some days I find myself struggling a little more, and other days a lot less. Today I was reminded that every single person is in the same boat as me.

happy pandemic day 387 (roughly), today has officially blurred with yesterday, the day before, and some other random day from last April. I go through phases of being alright with where I’m at and how I’m dealing. But again, other times I feel like I need to change because for some reason the way that I’ve decided to adapt and cope in these horrible times seems wrong.

It seems wrong even though we’ve never experienced this before. Us, you and me right now in this generation, have no idea what’s expected of us.

Read that again.

Do you know anyone who has graduated and done two of their four years of university without stepping foot outside their home? Do you know anyone else who’s completed a year or two of school without seeing a single person? Do you know anyone who’s ever had to look at their computer screen as long as us before this? Have you met someone who’s made friends only over video chat and can’t look people in the eyes anymore?

This is a once in a lifetime circumstance. Who are you to nag yourself for the ways that you’re managing this? As long as every day you’re doing what you can, you’re following the rules, you’re listening to your soul, you are doing it right.

That’s been my battle for the past, um, semester or two. It’s so not easy. The feeling of waking up every day and just wondering “do I do what I want to or what I should do?” The concept of shoulding yourself is something that I’ve been familiar with for a couple of months now, and if you want to know more, this podcast really opened my eyes to the toxic language we use.

You wake up and think “I should drink some warm lemon water, get a workout or a walk in, meal prep and have a balanced breakfast, study, call my family,” or whatever else you think you should do. But you wake up a few months into the pandemic and think “I could do all of those things, or I could lay here in bed for day 6 in a row and try and deal with the world”. You chose that and feel guilty all day. Nothing is satisfying to watch, all TV shows, social media channels, and rabbit holes that you spiral down can’t fill the void that is only guilt. You then decide to try and live a “healthier” life but feel even worse the second you get out of bed. What comes next?

This goes on for months and suddenly, today, you’re fed up.

You decide to change your ways and listen to your soul. You lay in bed for days just thinking and breathing. You order takeout 3 times a week and feel great. You drink a little more and smoke a lot more and overall feel a little better and much more content. You’re dealing and its all they can ask of you.

And if people are questioning your ways, if they disagree with your methods or they judge you, send them this post. Remind them of this rarity. Explain to them your situation and ask them to imaging their feet in your shoes. And then, go back to minding about yourself.

Put down your phone, stop trying so hard, and realize where you are. Remember that everyone else feels just as horrible. Be there to talk, be there to listen, or maybe be there just to nod.

If you need it, I’ll nod for you. I’ll listen. Don’t apologize, just start. This will be over soon enough. Just get through it.

x, Alex.

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