Being outside makes me cry

I want to share something I wrote on a walk one day:

I feel immense pull to experience all hours of daylight. To not do anything else for the entirety that the sun is in the air.

That’s really only a snippet, the whole piece is much longer and more twisted than that, but I’ve been thinking of that quote for many days now. Maybe I’ll share it soon.

If you’re following my instagram then you’ll know how my soul craves the outdoors. I go out, maybe 3 or 4 times a day, to walk, to exist, to breathe, to play, to yell or scream or just get away from everyone. Especially right now, in the middle of winter, I find it absolutely breath taking.

Here’s another part of the mystery piece that I think fits well here:

The stillness is not something that is simple. There are a compound of things that must be mixed together perfectly, in the right dosage and strength, that allow me to slip into the stillness. And I am not here for long, but it’s the, how do I say this, the wetness of the stillness that makes you feel something. 

If that gives you an idea of what my brain is like, I hope it’s difficult for you to understand. I’d be pretty angry if that makes sense to you, because it’s taken me years to start to understand my pink matter.

On my drive this morning, the sun was streaming down on my cheeks. I had butterflies in my stomach and I suddenly began to think about all the past winters that I’ve experienced. perhaps my infatuation with this season comes from my history and what I’ve experienced in this time. Winter time is typically filled with solitude for me. Nights spent in my room feeling unstable and broken is what most of my memory tells me.

Winters are dark, cold, silent, and lonely. No one wants to party or stay out late, so what else is there to do? Only to sit and think, is all I can come up with.

So maybe that’s why I love this time of year right now. I can see how far I’ve come from those teenage years of brokenness in my wintery bedroom. So I have one piece of advice for you today: stick your face in the sun today. Make a funny face at it. Scream at the sun and tell it how much you love it. Experience the stillness if you can, and if you can’t, then do something that brings you joy. I’ll leave off with one last part from my writing one night:

Those who do not have what it takes to reach the stillness may never develop the ability. This is something that comes innate. Only the lucky ones can learn how, but some call it the hard way. 

I am lucky. I can hear the universe. In my stillness, it is loud and it is clear. I hear what they are telling me, but what I cannot find the strength to do is to stand back and see it. 

Thank you for choosing to support me. In exchange for that, I will share my favourite music of the day.

Album: Love and Compromise by Mahalia

Stay sane you guys. This will soon end. x

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