The night before, I was excited. I was ecstatic. I was a newbie again.
I went to bed that night manifesting. In my head, of course, because getting it down on paper is a big task. I rocked myself to sleep while dreaming of my future. The things I want to do, places I want to go, all of my achievements. My mind exploded with possibilities and creativity and aspiration. I felt puple. The good purple, not the dark, sad one, but the light and happy purple.
In the morning, I woke up on the same high as the night before. I knew what I had to do today, and the next day and the day after that. I was finally ready for the life I wanted.
One hour before, I was creating my playlist. Uusally, I use the same playlist, but this day deserved a new one. “New Workout Vibes 2020”. I wrote out my workout. Not too specific, but not too generic. The perfect amount of stabilitity for a fun, introductory day back.
Then, I arrive, early, of course. And I tie on my mask and grab my bag as I move out of the car. And I wait. For my scheduled time, of course. Because this is a new world.
Then I workout. And I did it. It was a good day, slow but fast, challenging but familiar – a good day.
And I come home and feel sore. Not too sore but sore enough that you feel good.
As I sit here now, I begin to do that planning thing that I do too much.
I begin to think of what time my appointment shall be at for tomorrow. I think about what workout split to stick with. I think about the food in my fridge and the clothes I wear every day and being to wonder what will change next. I think about the PR’s I’ll achieve and the most effective workout I can create. I think about the possibilities of the future on where my career will go. I think a lot.
And soon, I’m going to wonder what was going through my head for the past hour, as I mindlessly stare into the mirror while I wash my hands after a good pee.
After I sit back down in my chair, I’ll peer at myself in the mirror over the screen of my computer and I’ll ask myself a very important question.
What are you waiting for?
Why is it that you are held in the moment?
Why is it that you cannot be in the moment?
Who do you want to become and why are you not her?
About an hour later, I’ll come back to finish this post. Or to peruse Amazon and put absolutely nothing in my cart. I’ll spend some time there and the get up. Walk away from my desk leaving those beautifuly dusted, ‘good purple’ footsteps on the ground behind me. I’ll leave them behind me as I get up realizing that something has changed.
I feel as if I’ve started. On what, I’m not sure, but I’m on my way. I feel like I can’t turn back.
Maybe because I’m prepared this time?
Or maybe because I actually want it.
Maybe it’s because I meditated this morning; for five and a half minutes, while also petting my dog’s foot and keeing an eye on the door to make sure my parents don’t inturrupt me, but I meditated.
Or maybe it’s because I dreampt purple last night.
Or maybe it’s becuase it’s finally my time.
Even though it’s always been my time.
It was then and it is now.
It’s because I went back to the gym.