What has to happen for life to change?
I’m talking really change. Not just a little, oops I don’t get my coffee here in the morning anymore, but like a, okay, remember how to survive again, type of thing.
I’ve been feeling like a survivalist lately. I’m re-learning how to function, live, breathe, and pick up social cues. I’ve been talking too much. I’ve been eating too much or too little. I say one thing and do another and then I’m mad about it.
I’m typing at a standing desk right now at 10:55pm. Compared to what like looked like for me 6 months ago, I’d say this is what had to happen for life to really change.
And no one wants to admit it, not yet. We all know it’s not coming, that it’s here. This is change. This is what we were all afraid of and now no one knows what to do.
I’ll admit, I didn’t want this to happen just as much as the next person. But, maybe I subconsciously did? I have a secret journal. I guess it’s not so secret anymore, but, pretend I didn’t just tell you that.
Now, in said secret journal that may or may not exist, I write about some pretty scary things. I think that’s what led me to want a blog of my own. I think we all secretly want to be discovered. We all want someone to know or learn or at least try to. Again, maybe it’s just me feeling this but, didn’t you want someone to ask you what you’re really thinking? Didn’t you want someone to not give up when you tell them to? I’m rambling.
Didn’t you want the change? Did you ever ask God, Him, Her, it, whatever you look to for guidance, did you ever ask for the change to crack your soul open? Did you ever ask for something to come along that is so hard to deal with that you don’t have to do it alone? Did you ever want someone else to feel the same pain as you but not ever talk about it? Isn’t that ridiculous? How we ask for that?
Why do we ask for such hard things?
We know it’s going to be hard, but, we want it. Right?
At least I do.
It’s like, I love the spring, because I can see the growth. I can smell the flowers growing and the dirt drying. I love it because it’s change and it’s evolution and it’s life. But I think I only love the spring because it comes after the winter (ok duh). The winter sucks. Everything is dead. And while yes, it’s still beautiful and necessary, it’s cold, it’s dark, and it’s something sucky that we all endure together. And then we come out in the spring, yes, probably a little fatter, but with a bigger appreciation than a year ago for the grass and the tulips and the weeds. We look forward to the growth but I think sometimes we forget that it comes at a price.
There’s always a price to pay and no one wants to pay it alone.
Misery loves company, truly.
Sometimes I speak to speak, and in this time, I want to learn to convert that to creativity. To write to write. Because for me, this is the growth. While you may not see the darkness, understand that it’s there, and it’s within everyone.
Push a little more next time to make them crack. If you’re special, they will crack, in a good way.