The start of the year brings so many things. For some people, it’s resolutions, new routines, maybe a big purchase or a change of scenery. For a lot of us though, a new year really just means more school. That’s it. Nothing else really to look forward to but a new semester, a new round of classes with different teachers, and a new routine. And that’s the hardest thing for me about a new year; just when I feel like I’m getting the hang of things in December, it all goes and changes on me. And somehow the change between December and January is so much more different than the change between any other months, like June to July for example, or October to November. Rightly so, I mean, the year is ending, the numbers on the calendar get flipped all the way back to zero, and we all get a fresh start. But who’s to say that we can’t have the same fresh start at the end of every month?
Starting a new routine with school is hard for me. I have to adjust, adapt, and figure out a whole new sleep schedule. For me, I’ve learned that sleep is the thing that keeps me going. I like a normal sleep schedule so I know when to wake up, when to start my day, and what time I can let my body start to shut down. But let me be honest: so far, I’m a mess. Its day 10 of the new year and I don’t know what day it is, where I’m supposed to be, or which way is up right now. I feel like I’m in the spin cycle in a washing machine and everything is getting thrown around, nothing is set in stone yet, and I don’t have a place.
But I know. Its only day 10. I’m not supposed to have my shit together. I don’t think anyone is. I think there’s this expectation around “new year, new me, this is the time where I have it all together.” But what if you don’t? What if you don’t want the new year to bring a new you? What if you were so happy and content and enjoying where you were that all the new year brings is more confusion?
I’m in a rut. I don’t know where I’m supposed to be, what I’m supposed to be doing, and at the tail end of week 1 in school I already feel behind. I know it will get better and I’ll figure my life out but in the moment? It sucks. I feel like I’m the only person in the world who didn’t get started on the right foot. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that I have everything together because I don’t. I want to be real and honest with all of you here on my blog and just document what’s going on with me (more about that in a future post). I feel like I have to impress everyone because nothing should change from the end of a week in December to the start of a new week in January. But everything changed. I feel more distracted, stuck, crappy, and lower than I did last year. I feel like I need to clean everything, change everything, redecorate, rebrand, and change my life all because the number on the calendar changed. I feel like school is my last priority and like I’m in over my head but at the same time I feel like I have absolutely nothing on my plate. Torn, I think, is a good word for what I’m feeling. Torn between who I am and who I want to be? Torn between where I want to be and where I feel like I’m headed? Torn between what to spend my free time on: something that I enjoy or something that I need to do? I guess this is what adulting is. Can someone please clarify if it is because I think I want to stop growing up now.
So yes, I’m in a rut. I’m stuck, torn, and yucky feeling. I’m also 20 (surprise, if you didn’t know). And I know that this is the most normal thing in the whole world. I think I have such high expectations for myself because it’s a new year. But I want to wipe all of that away. I just want to be me. I want to make myself happy and not worry about where I think I should be. Because realistically, there’s nowhere I’m supposed to be. Nowhere except right here.
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